tattooed hearts
by fantasias
Summary: "The song that I once sang and gave to you - it's now just a sad love song, overplayed a time or two." or, how Claire Lyons copes with the loss of her best friend. —clairederrick, for clara!


**an:** yolo i'm giving clairington a shot donut kill me i just think massington is a bit more overused and yeah. c:

prepare for your eyes to be burned. lol. unbeta-ed.

how do we use song lyric prompts i don't get it ._.

pairing: clairederrick

prompts: colored pencils, china pots, acrylic paints, "you are a satellite, you're shining through the night" - tyrone wells

notes: highschool!AU, claire always lived in westchester, it may seem like clam for some part, but that's just part of the plot

summary: "The song that I once sang and gave to you - it's now just a sad love song, overplayed a time or two." or, how Claire Lyons copes with the loss of her best friend. —clairederrick, for clara!

disclaimer: if i was lisi harrison, i'd be writing a book about the summer after eighth grade. but i'm ahbviously not, so here i am. (:

* * *

**.:tattooed hearts:.**

Once upon a time, death seemed like a myth and all that mattered was to figure out if he liked her back.

Once upon a time, trying to get a friend back was the only puzzle and songs were only tunes that people sang for fun.

Once upon a time, he was alive and her heart was in one piece.

**x**

Wearing a pale blue dress, Claire Lyons skips into the first grade classroom, her eyes skimming past all her classmates and landing on a certain blonde-haired and brown-eyed boy. Her eyebrows knit together as she looks at him curiously, unsure about who he is. He looks lonely, as it seems—he is standing alone at the side of the classroom, looking around with a confused look painted on his face. The other children, oblivious to him, are giggling and talking to each other, and with all the chaos, no one notices the new kid.

Claire's parents had always told her to be nice to everyone, so obviously Claire hurries over to the blonde kid with a wide smile on her face. "Hi, I'm Claire! Who are you?" Claire jumps up and down after speaking, and waited impatiently for the boy's name.

The boy smiles, and dimples form on his face. "I'm Derrick. I'm new here."

Claire stops jumping, and calming down, grabs Derrick by his hand and drags him over to her table. "Hi, guys!" She waves at her friends, and then points at Derrick. "That's Derrick. He's new here!"

Cam, a dark-haired boy with alluring blue and green eyes, gives a quick nod in Derrick's direction, and mutters a "Hey." Massie, the brunette girl with her hair in braids and charming amber-colored eyes, shoots him a small smile and says confidently, "Hi, I'm Massie. Welcome to BOCD, Derrick." Kristen, the dirty blonde girl, waves enthusiastically at Derrick. The redhead gives him a small wave, then looks back at the table and frowns.

Derrick, surprised by how nice and friendly these kids seemed (contrary to the bullies at his old school), looks shocked for a while, but soon regains his posture. He smiles pleasantly, and says, "Thanks. I'm Derrick Harrington, if you haven't noticed yet."

And that blossomed into a long-lasting friendship with Claire Lyons.

**x**

It's always in fifth grade when everything seems to go downhill—cooties suddenly have much effect on children, and people start to develop crushes. Girl cliques form, as do boy cliques—everything becomes gender-oriented, and it seems as if simple boy-girl friendships disappear once you hit fifth grade—the last year of elementary school. Girls and boys who were once best friends suddenly stop speaking; and they lose all contact and it's as if they never met.

Claire's life, she decides, is actually pretty cliché. Fifth grade rolls around, and suddenly, Claire finds herself in the middle of 'The Pretty Committee', as Massie calls it. Massie, the 'alpha', is the leader of the group, and no one objects—they all know that she is the most confident and the most qualified to be the leader of their little clique. Obviously, they became the 'popular' group of the grade, although in elementary school, being popular doesn't matter anyway—everyone's still pretty nice to everyone else.

She's stripped away from her best friend, Derrick—who, as it happens, is supposedly the ringleader of the most popular group of boys in the fifth grade. Of course, since they aren't girls and think much more simply, they have no name and simply hang out with everyone, although the main five (Derrick, Cam, Josh, Kemp, and Chris) are always in the middle; the tightest part of the group.

It's also the last year of coed school—at least, until high school. For Claire, and all the other kids attending Brairwood-Octavian Country Day Elementary School, the next three years of their life will be in a private school—either all-girls or all-boys. In high school, it becomes coed again. It's a pretty complicated system, Claire thinks to herself as she sits among her friends as they talk about their crushes.

It's very complicated—having lost contact with her best friend, Claire finds herself becoming more self-reserved and quiet, observing Derrick from afar. She wonders if she's somehow developed feelings for him—it's always been a strictly friendly relationship between the two, but is that about to change? Claire shakes her head, and scolding herself, reminds herself that what she had with Derrick is g-o-n-e. They have not spoken for weeks already, and anyway, Massie has a crush on him—and Claire can't just _steal _Massie's love interest, can she?

But then, again, it's only elementary school and it's not like there's no hope for Claire and Derrick at all, right?

**x**

Seventh grade rolls around, and to say the least, Claire's happy about it. For once, she won't be called some stupid nickname for 'sixth grader', and, for once, she has the ability to actually talk to boys once more. The year before, the whole cooties thing was still going on, making it impossible for a girl and a boy to even talk to each other with a mile between them without being laughed at. The year before, a girl couldn't even hand a guy a bunch of colored pencils without getting ignored and avoided for a week, as Claire learned after handing Cam Fisher a pack of colored pencils in Art.

Life, she decides, is complicated.

Seventh grade starts off with Massie deciding that the group has to wear all designer clothing—it's not a problem for herself, Dylan, or Alicia, but it is a problem for Claire and Kristen. See, the problem is, they both are going to OCD on scholarships, and they sure as hell can't afford to buy expensive designer clothing _just_ for school purposes. Claire confides this to Massie, but instead of kicking Claire out (which Claire had thought would happen), Massie simply shrugged and told Claire that she'd pay for her.

Claire wonders whether Massie is being nice or if she has an ulterior reason for doing so.

As the year continues on, Claire finds out that she has this extra writing class with Derick—finally! She has not spoken to him in such a long time, it's as if they never met—it's like they're strangers. In the class, Mr. Simon makes Claire and Derrick sit next to each other, and the tension between them is awkward. Think about it—if your best friend is suddenly torn away from you in the midst of life clichés, and you ignore him or her for two years because of the fear of rejection, and then suddenly the two of you have to be near each other and work together—would you be nervous?

Claire definitely is, and judging from Derrick's stiff body posture, he is, too. Maybe, Claire speculates, maybe he likes her too.

(But that's practically impossible—it's like they're two different people. People do change over a span of two years, and after a short Q&A thing that Mr. Simon makes them do, Derrick's favorite color, food, ice cream flavor, best friend, and _everything_ about him has changed, whether by a little or by a lot. Claire's shocked, of course, but suddenly it becomes clear. He's spent the last two years with boys, so obviously his views are now different.)

The two avoid eye contact when not in writing class. Claire finds herself wishing that he would talk to her more. But the air between them is full of tension and awkwardness—there's no chance that things will ever be the way they were before. Being 'just friends' isn't even possible.

[And, anyway—Massie still has a major crush on Derrick, and Claire _knows_ what will happen if she becomes best friends with Derrick.]

Life is definitely complicated.

**x**

It's the last year of middle school—aka the last year of prestigious all-girl or all-boy schools—and Claire is ecstatic, to say the least. The good part is—for once, they have school with the 'Brairwood Boys'. Yes, the OCD girls have classes with Brairwood—at the end of seventh grade, Layne Abeley, Claire's friend in Art, had accidentally screwed up Brairwood's water pipes and stuff-that-Claire-can't-remember, so the school got flooded. And so, for the eighth grade (at least until their school is fixed), the Brairwood Boys will attend OCD with the girls.

Claire's life has it's ups and downs, she speculates, but it seems like this year will be an up for her.

The first day of school goes along smoothly—Claire finds all her classes easily, and finds out that Kristen is in almost all her classes, other than Art, and that Derrick has Art with her, along with Math and Science. Claire frowns at him from across the room—they're in Art, and they have to choose partners in approximately 3.14 seconds. Massie's also in this class, and Claire knows who she wants to partner up with; she wants Derrick, not Claire.

Claire sighs, and starts to bite her nails frantically as the teacher drones on. When it's time to pick their partners, she spots Massie from her peripheral vision, and the alpha walks up to Derrick and asks him to be his partner. To Claire's surprise, he says "Yes," and even smiles his cute little smile with the dimples. Well, it looks like both her partner options are gone.

Claire picks at her cuticles, unsure of who to pick. Massie, suddenly aware of Claire's dilemma, drags her over to the seat next to Massie's, and calls out, "Hey, Fisher. Come here." Cam Fisher, the boy with two different eyes, walks over and sits down next to Claire. Massie smirks at Claire with a 'what-did-i-tell-you' face, and turns to Olivia Ryan, Cam's previous partner, and her smirk grows wider—it's a known fact that Massie despises Olivia. Claire's thankful that she has Massie for a friend. At least she's not without a partner, which would make her an LBR.

While painting, Claire notices both Derrick and Cam peeking at her, and blushes furiously. She looks down, smiles, and goes back to painting her tomatoes, which look awkward. "Hey, Block. Have any acrylic paints I can borrow? I ran out of my red." Derrick asks Massie, his dimples showing as he smiles easily.

Massie simply shakes her head. "Derrick, Claire has some. Kuh-laire, why don't you let him borrow some of your paint?" Her eyes are burning ferociously, telling Claire to hurry up and hand the paints to Derrick.

Claire shuffles over to Derrick (Massie was between them), and puts the paints in his outstretched hand, her fingers momentarily brushing against his, sending an electrified spark through her body. The rest of the days seems perfect.

The year gradually continues on, and after Winter Break, Claire finds out that Massie is dating Derrick, and they've been dating for a few weeks already. According to Alicia, they met at some ski lift and hit off there. Claire's nostalgia grows—she wants Derrick to at least notice her and _talk to_ her. He has no problem chatting with Kristen in Science, so why can't he even mutter a "Hi" to Claire? Weren't they best friends just four years ago? Okay, maybe that's a lot, but at least they had _something_.

Cam asks Claire out, and Claire says 'yes'—she doesn't want to be the odd one out, as everyone in the PC is already dating. She finds herself falling for Cam and his cute different colored eyes. But, still—her feelings for Derrick aren't lost.

**x**

Claire never expected high school to be such a painful experience—loss of friends, breakups, deaths, parties, low grades, getting drunk—nobody said this was going to happen. _No one_. Okay, so maybe there were some pointers from people about the drama in high school, and books hinted at some things, but still—Claire enters high school with a completely different image in her head than what she sees in front of her.

She sees ugly green lockers, older girls giving her dirty looks, wads of gum on the floor, and everything she has never expected to see in high school. Massie joins the older A-listers in hopes of gaining more popularity and becoming the leader once she's a senior, and Alicia joins a prestigious dance group, which brings her up a few rungs on the popularity ladder. Kristen joins a bunch of girl jocks who are B-listers, and, of course, Dylan follows Kristen wherever she goes (and to say the least, she's only accepted in the jock group because she's semi-famous). And then there's Claire, who simply walks to lunch on the first day of school with a blank face and her eyebrows raised.

Really, there's nowhere for Claire to sit—she's not a part of any group, as all her friends ditched her. As she walks around, looking for an empty table, people cover empty seats with backpacks, lunches, trash, and clothes, and Claire finds herself turning bright red. She spots Massie, and she knows that Massie sees her—her eyes dart to Claire for a second but move over her, and she acts as if Claire doesn't exist. Claire sighs and doesn't even try to bother Massie—she knows that it will just result in more humiliation for her.

Spotting Alicia across the room, Claire makes her way over there, only to find that Alicia is chatting animatedly with a bunch of girls who all seem to have the body shape of a dancer, and Claire stops halfway to the table, unsure of what to do. If she joins Alicia, will she be humiliated? Not wanting to become a LBR in one day of high school, Claire turns around, looking for somewhere to sit. There isn't a vacant seat at all, and with tears threatening to fall from her eyes, Claire keeps her eyes trained on the ground and hurries out the cafeteria. She eats her lunch as quietly as possible in a bathroom stall, tears falling from her face.

Her first day as a freshmen is a failure—she's turned from one of the most popular girls in the school into one of the least popular; it's like she turned into a loser overnight. But that can't be possible, right? Claire fits all of Massie's standards for being popular—she's wearing all designer, her nails are painted perfectly by a professional, she has the latest iPhone model, and she's wearing the right amount of make-up and the right outfit to be at least a 9.5! And yet, she's shunned by her so-called friends and probably labeled a 'loser' by all the older people in the school.

Claire tries once again the next day to find a seat at lunch. She wonders where Cam is—she hasn't seen him since the day before, when they compared schedules (they don't have any classes together). As Claire makes her way across the room, she's stopped by a sudden call of her surname—the voice sounds awfully familiar, but it's much deeper than the one she remembers.

"Hey, Lyons! Come sit with us." Derrick Harrington calls out. He's sitting beside Cam, who's smiling apologetically. Derrick's dirty blond hair and chocolate-brown eyes are as dreamy as usual, and Claire's confused. He hasn't addressed her by name since seventh grade.

Claire raises an eyebrow and makes her way to the table, feeling extremely awkward—she's the only girl there, and it's really weird. All the eyes in the room are on her, and she spots Massie's amber eyes trained on her, and her glare is so rude that it's as if Massie's trying to burn a hole through Claire. (Derrick had dumped Massie during the summer, apparently.) Claire, unsure of what to make of this attention, stares at her lunch. All the girls in the room are either looking at Claire enviously or with admiration, and the boys are whistling.

Is it really this much of an achievement, to be sitting with Derrick Harrington at lunch?

Claire shuffles over to the empty seat at the table (there is only one), which is between Derrick and Cam, and through her peripheral vision, Claire sees Massie's lips curl in disdain. Gulping, Claire stares at her fingers and starts to inspect her cuticles, zoning out.

"Claire. Earth to Claire!" Claire's snapped out of her thoughts by Cam's voice, and he's waving his hand in front of her face.

"What?" Claire snaps, annoyed by the fact that it was Cam who spoke to her upon arriving at the table, not Derrick—sometimes she wonders why she is dating Cam in the first place, as she is clearly in love with Derrick. Sure, Cam is pretty cute, but Derrick's better and she's had a crush on him for such a long time already.

Clapping Derrick on the back, Cam says, "Derrick was asking you something about china pots?" Cam looks at Derrick with an eyebrow raised.

"What china pots?" Claire asks, confused.

Derrick smirks, his _ohsocute_ dimples showing once more. "You know, the china pots my mother gave your mom in fourth grade for her birthday. Those—what happened to them?"

Claire raises an eyebrow. "Why do you care about china pots?" She has a distinct feeling that he is just looking for things to talk about; the air between them for the past few years had been distant and awkward, so obviously, they don't have much to talk about at the moment.

"Just wondering," Derrick muttered, turning red. Claire giggled and started to eat her lunch.

**.**

It is, perhaps, one of the best days of Claire's life, although it has only been fifteen minutes since Derrick invited her to sit with him. Just a few minutes before the bell is to ring, Massie stalks up to Claire, her amber eyes burning and her fists clenched.

"What, might I ask, were you doing with _Derrick Harrington_? My Derrick, to be exact?" Massie hisses, her eyes narrowing into tiny slits.

Claire rolls her eyes. "I was sitting with him at lunch. And might I add, my _boyfriend_ Cam Fisher was there as well. So I wasn't alone with Derick. So ha."

Massie sneers. "Well, you're looking forward to four hard years of your life, now that you've gotten on my bad side."

Claire raises an eyebrow. "What the hell do you mean? You ditch me the second we enter this school, and then you ignore me when I need somewhere to sit at lunch. Do I look like I _want_ to be your friend anymore, May-sie? You're a goddamn bitch, and for once, I'm not afraid to say it. Have fun with your life—I'm done trying to be in it. I tried to get your attention all day yesterday, and you fucking ignored me. And Derrick's not yours—you two broke up, and I heard that _he_ dumped _you_. Well, guess what? I'm done with you. I'm sick of having to listen to whatever you say, and having to do whatever you want me to do. I'm not a puppet you can control. I'm Claire Lyons, and I own myself. Good riddance, darling."

"You did _not_ just speak to me like that!" Massie fumes, her fists clenched.

"Well, guess what? I just did." Claire smirks and walked away, not looking back, although she could hear Massie's shrieks of frustration.

_Serves that bitch right_, Claire thinks.

**.**

After school, Claire heads to her locker, feeling happier than ever—she's freed from Massie's grasp of control, and she can date Derrick if she wants to. Hell, if she had done this a long time ago, she could have continued being best friends with Derrick throughout the years.

She's about to go to her meeting spot with Cam when she spots him, entangled with Massie as she kisses him fiercely, and he's pushed against the wall, kissing her back passionately. Claire raises an eyebrow, not particularly hurt (she never really liked Cam in _that_ way), and coughs. The two stop abruptly and look up at her, Massie smirking and Cam turning a bright red.

"C..Claire—it's not what it seems to be! It was just—" Cam begins, trying to explain, but Claire cuts him off.

"Sorry, Cam—I never really liked you that way; but maybe you will be happy with Massie? Well, I'll leave you two to your session. Bye!" Claire waves at them, spouting out a somewhat break-up sentence, and she grins slightly at Massie's surprise face (she probably expected Claire to break down into tears or get extremely mad at her), but feels a bit guilty at Cam's sad, rejected face.

Cam and Massie are rumored to be a couple, and sure enough—the next week, Cam starts to sit with Massie and the other popular girls at lunch, and the two kiss whenever they can. It's disgusting, really—it's not like they really like each other, unless Cam was cheating on Claire when they were still dating.

**x**

Not only is high school full of drama, there's also some sad parts to it—some people commit suicide, some friends move away, some drop out, and some even get diagnosed with freaking cancer. Seriously—how is it possible for someone to be diagnosed with cancer in junior year, with no signs of it earlier?

Claire's devastated when she finds out that Derrick has been diagnosed with lung cancer—she still loves him, even when she's seventeen years old, and even when he's on the edge of life, right between life and death. He's hanging on a thin string, practically dead but _not really_.

So maybe they had become friends over the past three years, but they aren't _best friends_ and not as close as they used to be back in elementary school—but Claire still goes to visit Derrick everyday. She holds his hands and sings to him softly, not caring if she sounds bad. He's mostly sleeping when she goes to visit him, but she doesn't care—at least she gets to visit the love of her life.

_You are a satellite, you're shining through the night_, Claire whispers into Derrick's ear—she's been obsessed with that song, and she sometimes makes a play with the lyrics when she's bored and has nothing else to do. She strokes Derrick's hands, and leaves him in the hospital bed after her fifteen minutes of visiting is over.

Derrick's eyes flicker open as Claire leaves the room; he chuckles lightly, but looks out the open door wistfully.

Sometimes he wonders why he always pretends to be sleeping when people come to visit. It won't do him harm to be awake for once, right?

**.**

For weeks, Claire visits Derrick everyday, only to find him always asleep, although she can swear that she sees the corners of his mouth curl up into a smile at times. She's working on writing her own song for Derrick—one that will hopefully show him how much she loves him. For God's sake, Claire knows that Derrick's actually awake when she visits. She doesn't know why he pretends to be asleep, but at least he'll hear her song.

When Claire's song is finished, she rushes to the hospital. It's a love song—so forlornly written that even Derrick is tempted to stop pretending to sleep and to open his eyes and hug Claire Lyons to death. But he fights this urge, and stays in bed, attached to several machines through wires. These machines try desperately to help his lungs work well.

But it seems as if the end of his life is coming near; the Fates are to cut his string in just a few days or weeks, or even a few hours. No one knows, and there's a chance for everything, even a cure, right?

Claire swears that no matter what, she will love Derrick. She doesn't care how she'll do it, but she'll figure out if he likes her back. Sure, there are the hints, but hints are just hints; all boys flirt in one way or another with all girls. If he dies, she won't be as idiotic as to kill herself (for goodness sake, there are other fish in the sea!), but to say the least, she _will_ be sad. Seriously, who wouldn't, if their long-lost best friend-slash-crush just went there and died?

Claire spends her days crying and listening to rock songs and sad love songs. She has lost Derrick...although he's not dead yet, he's practically gone from her. She lost him in fifth grade, when Massie created a border between them because of the cootie rule. She lost him in middle school, when he dated Massie Block. She got him back in freshman year, but things haven't been the same since.

Everything has changed.

**.**

Derrick Harrington lasts about a few months with cancer. He dies on September 24 of his senior year, and BOCD High School has a memorial for him, and classes are skipped by all. It's not to say that the entire school cared for him and was sad that he died, but rather that his parents had paid them in order for their son to be recognized as a 'brave cancer-fighter.'

_As if_, Claire thinks. She knows Derrick would say that if he was still alive, but he's actually gone. And this time, it's for real. He's actually gone from her life, and she can't peek glances at him or look at him or sing to him or _do anything with him or for him_.

Claire notices that Massie Block and Cam Fisher aren't there at Derrick Harrington's memorial, which is just confusing, as Massie is Derrick's ex, and Cam is supposedly Derrick's best friend. No, he _was_ Derrick's best friend.

Better get used to speaking about Derrick in past tense, Claire reminds herself.

Except, all it accomplishes is making a stream of tears fall from Claire's face. She misses Derrick. . .he was her link to the school. It is because of _him_ that she is not a complete loner. It is because of _him_ that Claire has friends. It is because of _him_ that Claire is the person she is today. Why did he have to leave her?

But deep down, Claire knows that it's not Derrick's fault—it's not anyone's fault, but she still desperately wishes that Derrick is still here with her.

**x**

Losing a best friend is like losing a part of your soul. Losing a crush—someone you love—is like losing yourself. Claire spends hours of her life in her room, crying herself to sleep. She hardly gets any work done, and it's like she's slipped into a mode of depression, except Claire's not depressed. She's just overly pissed at the world and why it has to strip her of all the prestige and pride and friends she has. All her happiness has been sucked away, as if a Dementor has been following her around.

Claire Lyons is broken.

She visits Derrick Harrington's grave everyday, and sings a song she's heard recently. It's an English version of a Vocaloid song; it's surprisingly relatable and true, and the lyrics almost sound like something that someone spent a lot of time trying to write. Except it probably wasn't, but it's Claire's favorite song, anyway—and she loves to sing, so why not sing it to her best friend's grave? It won't hurt, right?

She sits by the pearl-white gravestone, and Derrick's full name and a quote is carved into it. She fingers the flowers she has placed at the front lightly, and she opens her mouth to sing.

_The song that I once sang and gave to you... it's now just a sad love song, overplayed a time or two. Let the wind flow in and blow it away. Back to that time, that summer day when I fell in love with you._

That's all of the song that Claire can sing without bursting into tears, and she abruptly stands up and rushes out of the cemetery.

**.**

Claire Lyons is broken beyond repair and no one can fix it. Her parents take her to therapists and stress doctors, but Claire just looks at the ground with a glare on her face at these appointments. Todd tries to cheer her up with jokes, but they don't work. Claire's smile—the one so full of sunshine, joy, and love—is gone. She is thankful that they are trying, and she does love them...but it's hard to. She hasn't smiled in a long time.

Her friends from middle school sometimes call, with the exception of Massie, but that's Massie for you—jealous, plotting, and dangerously beautiful.

But nothing can heal her broken heart. It's been a few months since Derrick's death, and Claire still can't get over it. She can't get over the fact that her best friend—and crush—has _died_, and that he's no longer there. She often dreams of him, and wakes up in the middle of the night, looking for Derrick, only to find the darkness of the night.

There's always hope, though. Claire knows this, and her heart is still made of gold, but she's changed. She can't love as easily, or be as happy as before—it's as if those emotions have been turned off. She just can't stand loving someone else as she had loved Derrick, but she knows that if Derrick is still here, he would tell her to go for it.

He would remind her that she has to get over him. That all things must come to an end. That no matter what she does, he knows that she loves him and nothing will change that. He would tell her that he (hopefully) loves her, too. He would encourage her to go out in the world, become her old self again, and have fun. He would tell her to enjoy her life. To keep on going—to not stop abruptly in her life just for him.

He would want her to continue with her life.

**.**

Claire is trying. She really is. But Derrick Harrington will always be a part of her—_always_.

* * *

**end notes: **what is this. what is life. lol but it's still my longest fic ever, but i don't really like my writing but my teacher says that people improve by doing things over and over again, and finishing stories, and making their own fails. and then eventually you will improve.

idk happy valentine's day!

sorry clara this pretty much sucked but yeah.


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